“If I Could Live Forever” - Agaaze
By Agaaze
I didn’t see much of a use for it back then. What was the point of forever- I already felt the eternal every single day. Waiting for the sun to tick below the horizon, just so I could do it all over again. And again. And again… It wasn’t supposed to be like this. After all, I was headed to the University of Michigan, my dream school, supposedly ready to embrace the next chapter of my life. Except I wasn’t ready and, for the first time it seemed like, neither was the world.
Stuck in the mud. The pandemic put a hold on things, exacerbating depression, and inviting in loneliness with crushing arms. 30” X 80”- I entered the rigid structure that would encase my physical and emotional being for the next four months. A dimly lit computer screen my primary source of communication between me and the outside world, for the next God knows how long.
I picked up my guitar. Over a decade of rigorous training in classical and jazz guitar should’ve made me so grateful to hold my dear instrument. Yet, I felt nothing- I never liked being told what to do, and I was sick and tired of learning some piece of music that was forced upon me. After all, wasn’t the point of art about freedom in expressing who YOU are? Oh well… I might as well ease my overanxious mentals in repetition.
They heard me from the hallway. I’m glad my music penetrated the invisible six-foot barrier between me and my newfound friendship. “Can you play this song?” they asked, in reference to a popular (and, in my opinion, quite lame) country tune. “Sure, I can learn it” I muttered, nervous and disgruntled. Slowly, curiosity from the outside turned into welcoming laughter. The next thing you know, bellowing singing from a crowd. A smile started growing on my face, graciously extending from cheek to cheek- maybe all that training was really worth it. For once, I started to feel a little free, for I was playing for the people, uniting them in the familiarity of a comforting tune. I erupted in strumming, converting all my built-up anger at the world into beautiful sound, and letting the music wash over us all. Noise complaint! Nice…
Eight weeks later I was begging for one. Relocated far from campus to isolation in a dreary apartment room, no one could possibly hear a word I screamed. Exhausted in recovery from contracting the virus, and enveloped in a delusion of what I thought life may never be again, I remembered the cheerful, and now familiar, faces of those that welcomed me at college. My first friends in a new place. I wondered what it would feel like if I could create something of my own, so powerful that it united those amongst me, regardless of who they were, where they came from, or whether or not we even knew each other. For sharing of similar feelings, is sharing in love. Until now, fear of judgment dipped in unknowingly deep-rooted care for all that I had to offer, had led me astray from what truly connected me with this world and my people. I spoke in sound.
All the tools were in my toolbox. Now it was time for me to wield them and create my own, unique, artistic identity. The essence of my persona lay in calming ethereal soundscapes. I gazed upon the stars, meditating on the burden of my fears. Letting go to embrace my sole calling. My first official single “Set Me Free”, spoke for the entrapped artists of my generation's youth, forced to conform emotionally our entire lives to a world that only accepted fitting in, and now physically trapped due to the pandemic. Surfing a new wave of adrenaline and passion in expressing my real voice, my debut album “A Portal Inside” followed, and the pure artist in me shone brighter- eager to experiment and explore what was next over the creative horizon.
Two years later, as I basked in the sunshine that overlooked the London skyline, I was deeply entrenched in the process of writing my second album, “For You”. This project would journey my tales in fully accepting the meaning of self-love. Suddenly, I remembered an instrumental that I had created during my time in isolation- the first one I had ever made with the intention to turn into a full song but couldn’t quite find the words for it at the time. My recollection was vague, however, I remembered that the melody was a happier one- an emotion I felt was lacking in all the music I had made thus far and one that I sought after in creating new material.
I scraped through my old computer files after returning home from vacation. “Song #1- Lately” it read. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to be transported backward in time, to a half-baked world of dreaming in color. The hints of nirvanic life in eternal. Inspiration struck me, and the songs’ full life form finally arrived.
This NPR Tiny Desk performance of “Lately” is the first time I have ever had the courage to perform one of my original compositions for an audience. I hope this tune puts a smile on your face, as it did for me while I was recording it. My story today is derived from a place of longing. A desire for acceptance, and yearning for recognition, tearing apart a silhouette of peace. These days, I am aware of those same emotions, yet I make sure they whisper underneath the voices of present. I follow the voices that tell me that what I am doing is first and foremost for myself only through that will I have any chance to connect and help others using the power of music.
By creating all my music for “Agaaze” entirely on my own (from songwriting to audio engineering), I am committed to creating art that is completely representative of only me- my own unique voice, nothing more. By live streaming the creation of my third album on YouTube this past summer, I am always looking to push the boundaries of fear in artistry, to both grow as a person and inspire all the other indie creatives out there to just be themselves. To make what they love, and not get too caught up in the tangling uncertainty of external success. True happiness, I learned, lies in the moment. Living for now is living forever.
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Thank you for reading my story! Check out these links to learn more about me :)
Album Review in Rochester City Magazine by Daniel J Kushner:
